


given the state i'm in

by mildlydiscouraging



Category: The Bright Sessions (Podcast)
Genre: Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Episode Tag, Feelings, M/M, Melancholy, Missing Scene, Season/Series 04
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-19 13:11:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12410931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mildlydiscouraging/pseuds/mildlydiscouraging
Summary: Sam has a porch swing, because of course she does, and it sits in the far corner in all its idyllic glory, whitewashed and pristine with a pair of pillows that are both pretty and practical. Only because it's Sam is it endearing rather than annoying, and Adam smiles as he manhandles Caleb over to it.In which Adam introspects, Caleb has the world’s worst hangover, and everyone probably gets frostbite.





	given the state i'm in

" _God_ , it's fucking freezing."

The second Caleb sets foot on Sam's porch he goes into almost comical full body shivers. Frank looks concerned, but Adam just waves him off.

"No duh," Adam says as Frank leaves them. "It's January, we're outside, and you're pretty drunk."

Caleb's little hopping shiver shuffle is hilarious, but Adam himself is still trying to hide in his sweatshirt and denim jacket as much as possible. He kind of wishes he had brought gloves, but the only ones he has are fingerless which both wouldn't be that much help and also are just asking for teasing.

"Come on," Caleb whines, his breath clouding around them. "You’re supposed to support me, you're my boyfriend."

"And you're ridiculous," Adam retorts.

Caleb doesn’t say anything, just folds his hands under his arms and sticks his tongue out for a second until he remembers how cold it is. He starts jumping in place and Adam is right, it is ridiculous, especially when Caleb realizes his balance isn't what it normally is and almost falls over.

"Whoa," he says mostly to himself. He turns to Adam looking like he's just discovered the secret of the universe. "Did you feel that? The floor just... tilted, like a boat. Wait, are we on a boat?"

"Okay..." Adam walks up behind Caleb and holds him down by the shoulders before he tries to test his hypothesis. "While I really want to know if this is one of the people inside or if this is just what you're like drunk, you're gonna have to stop before you break your nose or your brain, whichever comes first."

"It's not  _that_ bad," Caleb protests, but he trips almost immediately so Adam just rolls his eyes and continues steering him across the porch.

"Right. You're not as think as I drunk you are?"

When Caleb starts laughing hysterically (giggling, really, and how dumb and also cute is that?) he continues, "And I'll take that as a yes. Come on, sitting time."

Sam has a porch swing, because of course she does, and it sits in the far corner in all its idyllic glory, whitewashed and pristine with a pair of pillows that are both pretty and practical. Only because it's Sam is it endearing rather than annoying, and Adam smiles as he manhandles Caleb over to it.

It's still freezing, but after only a brief struggle and a few whacks to the shins what will probably result in some light bruising Adam finally gets Caleb to sit down.

When he gets pulled down too he doesn't argue, and he puts up with Caleb's drunken petting until he starts trying to sneak his hands up Adam's sleeves. Whether he's being belligerent on purpose or actually thinks it's going to help, Adam still yelps when he feels Caleb's freezing fingers. They've been outside for what, half a minute max? But it's January and the sun is setting and neither of them were dressed for any extended period of time outdoors so needless to say the temperature drop hasn't been too kind.

Caleb doesn't really seem to have noticed aside from how he's trying to burrow his way under Adam's jacket, which makes sense if it's because of the cold, but that reasoning is somewhat compounded by the fact that he's also trying really hard to keep his focus long enough to kiss Adam.

It's ridiculous, and kind of really sweet, but also apparently drunk-by-osmosis Caleb has no depth perception because his nose collides with Adam's cheek with enough velocity that it actually hurts a little.

"Ow."

Adam puts his hands on Caleb's shoulders as he tries to reorient himself which apparently only serves to encourage him further as he wraps his arms around Adam under his jacket and leans in again. This time he lands a slightly more coordinated kiss almost on Adam's lips, and he tries again, and again, never really hitting the mark, although by a certain point it's not because of his clumsiness but because Adam is laughing too much.

"Caleb, stop," he says around giggles, "we can't."

"Why not?"

When he pulls away Caleb looks confused and sad like a kicked puppy, and if it weren't for the fact that Adam was finding it hard to move his fingers he would just say fuck it and let them continue.

Instead, though, he says, "Because you're vicariously wasted? And I don't want Sam to have to explain to her new neighbors why there were teenagers making out on her porch, that's kind of a shitty birthday present."

"It's January. No one in their right mind is outside."

"We are."

Caleb gives him a look. "When have either of us ever been in our right minds?"

Adam gets the feeling he really shouldn't find that as romantic as he does, and he almost caves, but the rational part of his brain manages to hold his hand up to stop Caleb leaning in again. "Caleb..."

”But you’re really hot.”

”Thank you?” Adam phrases it as a question in an attempt to hide the fact that he can feel his face heating up. It doesn’t really work.

"I like kissing you," Caleb explains in a bit of a whine, and Adam has to roll his eyes so he doesn't get distract by his pouting.

"That's true."

"And _you_ like kissing _me_."

"Also true."

"So... Why aren't we doing that right now?"

It's pretty hard for Adam to argue at that point, or at any point really, so he doesn't even jokingly protest when Caleb leans back in.

Kissing Caleb is... The only way he knows how to describe it is "really nice", and Caleb never fails to give him shit for it while also preening at his ability to render "his royal highness the prince of verbosity" speechless, but it's true. Caleb is the one good with words when it comes to emotions, as much as he protests otherwise. Adam can talk circles around anyone on any other subject, but the second it comes to describing how he feels he forgets every word he’s ever known.

Adam doesn't mind so much—it's nice not to be the one relied on to always have to make sense of things. It's nice to just feel. It's beyond sappy and he would never admit it, but when he's kissing Caleb he feels like maybe he kind of gets what it's like to be him—what it’s like to feel someone else's emotions so acutely and how they mirror and multiply his own.

It really _is_ really nice, and so easy to fall into completely, which is why Adam doesn't notice at first the pained expression on Caleb's face when he pulls back.

"What...?"

He snaps out of it just in time to hear Caleb say, "I feel like I just got punched in the brain by the Hulk."

As Caleb rubs his forehead and grimaces Adam thinks for a couple of seconds before bursting into laughter. When Caleb looks at him like he's lost his mind, Adam pulls himself together long enough to ask, "Like you have four hangovers at once?"

Caleb glares and sets him off again. "More like four hundred," he corrects petulantly over Adam's laughter, "and you're not helping."

"It's just, the look on your face—" And Adam is laughing to hard to continue as Caleb somehow does the face but more, and it's ridiculous but it just feels so normal in a way the past few months have rarely felt that it's a palpable relief.

"Well if my face is so funny to you..." Caleb says as he dramatically turns away. He turns back easily when Adam puts a hand on his shoulder, though the pout is back with a vengeance.

"Don't," Adam laughs. "I like your face." He can't quite help the teasing way it comes out but even as Caleb hides said face in his hands he doesn't push Adam away from leaning into his side.

"You can never let me be in the same room as Mark and drunk people ever again," he says, and even Adam can tell he's more embarrassed than anything else. If he had to hazard a guess, he might even say the headache was subsiding.

When Adam laughs now, it's a different kind of laughter, quiet and fond and mostly involuntary. Judging by the way Caleb is still squinting his powers probably still aren't working too well, but it's kinda obvious what Adam is feeling to even people without superpowers.

"Don't worry. It was cute."

Caleb gives him his look that says he isn't buying it for a second.

"Okay, embarrassing," Adam amends, "but still cute."

Rolling his eyes, Caleb knocks their shoulders together and sways the entire swing in the process. "You think everything I do is cute."

"True." Adam nudges him back. "And I’m the smartest boyfriend in the world remember? So I must be right."

For a moment all Caleb does is stare at him. Adam has the urge to brush him off or change the subject away from whatever has Caleb looking so considering, but he resists it. When it comes to Caleb, urges like that are pretty easy to ignore. The alternative (as awkward as it may be) is almost always better.

After it becomes apparent Caleb has no intention of actually saying anything Adam asks, "You okay?"

"Yeah."

It's not a dismissive reassurance but a sincere answer. It's kind of... sad, and serious in a way that's become largely indicative of the past few months of their lives, which isn't good or bad in and of itself but is definitely a different mood to adjust to.

Regardless of the kind of melancholy context of it, it's nice to hear. Sometimes Adam feels like he's always a step behind. He knows Caleb doesn't mean to do it, and he's gotten better about it since they got back together, but sometimes he doesn't even notice that he's working on something never said aloud and Adam is good at reading people but obviously not  _that_ good. He can't make the leaps Caleb can with any certainty and it's still jarring to find himself with a consistent lag in conversations like this.

If there's one positive thing to come out of what happened at the "safe" house, though, it's the fact that Caleb now says outright how he's feeling. He's been kind of all over the place the last few months, and Adam understands, but it's nice to hear from the source what exactly is up and if he needs to help or not.

"Okay," Adam says eventually. Caleb leans into him again and stays this time, a warming weight at his side. He's like a giant human blanket on the best of days and it really comes in handy in times like these.

They sit there for a moment, slowly thawing each other out and watching the occasional squirrel hope through a snowy yard across the street. Despite the fact that they're still outside in the middle of winter, it isn't that bad at all.

"Next time we'll call ahead to make sure it's a sober party," Adam says after a while. Caleb mumbles something indecipherable above him so Adam leans back and continues, "What was that?"

"If there is a next time," Caleb repeats at a slightly louder volume.

Now that Adam can see him he can tell how sullen it is, and realizes this is one of those sudden mood swings he's getting better at regulating. Usually it just takes a lot of reassuring "I know"s and reminding him what the situation is outside of his own feelings to get him back, but Adam's toes are starting to get numb and he's a little impatient when he says, "What?"

Caleb shrugs and tries to pull him back into their former positions, but Adam frowns and stays upright.

"Of course there will be," he says. "They're your friends. And mine. At the very least you're gonna see them in a few months for _my_ birthday party."

"Yeah..."

"You can't avoid them." The stern way he says it gets Caleb to look up again and after a moment of staring at him Caleb seems to find what he's looking for and nods.

"Okay," he says. "Can we go back to cuddling now? It's really cold, and also somebody inside got really stressed all of a sudden."

"Yeah." Once they'e comfortable again, Adam asks, "How's your head?"

"Fine. Getting better." Caleb takes Adam's hand and they both sigh slightly.

"Green?" Adam asks.

"Yeah. Green."

Adam doesn't have to be looking at him to see Caleb's smile—small, warm, and incredibly gentle. He still doesn't know what it's like, but as Caleb buries his face in Adam's hair he thinks maybe he gets it. Yeah. He definitely gets it.

**Author's Note:**

> "keaton don't you have a midterm—" YEAH BUT THE BRIGHT SESSIONS IS BACK AND I LOVE MY SONS and also i've been meaning to write fic for this show literally since i started listening to it which was uhhhhh when it started lmao so here we go here we go
> 
> ooh i guess this is the part where i get to blabber about all my headcanons bc i've never had anyone to share them with before lmao. well, i guess there aren't so many for this show, but i do like the idea that caleb is not as emotionally illiterate as he thinks he is sometimes (like, boy complained a lot about having to use metaphors, but he does it connnnstantly anyway lmao) and idk i just really really love them
> 
> anyway i'm really interested to see where this season goes. it seems like there's a lot of stuff we missed in the offscreen i think month?? idr if we actually know when sam's birthday is but the safe house was november and now new year's has happened so who knows! caleb hasn't been talking to any of them for months? sam has a new house? chloe's back in school? IDK BUT I'M EXCITED ANYWAY I HOPE THIS ISN'T WILDLY OOC BUT LBR THIS EPISODE WAS AT TIMES SO LIKE Y'KNOW THANKS FOR READING
> 
> title from "[january](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmE13_qcCgY)" by dan croll bc i love him also, y'know, january, but actually written to "[third eye](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NIoKWjALiE)" by florence + the machine, which is a heavy inspiration lmao
> 
> tumblr @[moonfullofstars](http://moonfullofstars.tumblr.com)  
> ko-fi @[mildlydiscouraging](https://ko-fi.com/mildlydiscouraging)


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